Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Telemarketer fun fun fun!!

This is a repost from my Myspace from last early summer, 2008.

I had a dude tell me to go fuck myself today. AND...I got to talk 'valley girl'...! It was a great day!

Are you familiar with the scam where a fake company calls and tries to get you to tell them your copy machine model number so they can send you toner and then bill you an extraordinary amount of money for it? I was privy to this scam back in the KVNA days, because I got burned once. It was a new scam then. I've been enlightening our staff with each new admin girl so they are aware.

Anyway, I have these people all the time call and want to speak to the 'person in charge of your ________ copier'. Each time they call they change the company to see if they can find a tinge of recognition in our voices. My admin girls know I like to mess with the callers, so they give me the phone so I can talk to them. Other scenarios are people who are from investment firms trying to get to talk to the president, Mike or the former president, Klaus. Here's some of the things these people have said to me:

I've been told I have the brain the size of the pea (that’s the only time when I was left speechless). I've been told that I'm stupid, I've been accused 'What are you....his WIFE?' when they call to ask for the non-existent Klaus of Klaus Schmechtig Co. (He has been retired for 6 years and we are now Schmechtig Landscape Co.). We always know who these people are because they ask for Klaz or Kloos or some other silly name because they can't pronounce KLAUS. And I’m stupid?

Today....I was told to go Fuck myself. The conversation went like this. The 'gentleman' referred to his company upon my asking that he was from Dynasty Copy Services and wanted to know more information due to the recent order that was placed for a manual for our Sharp copier....When I responded, 'What exactly are you calling for?'

He replied “Simple question really. Why don't you give me to someone there who knows what the hell is going on.”

I kept my cool because in order for me to keep messing with them, I have to play along. I said this then, “Look, I’m the assistant manager, and I can assure you that you are talking to the correct person who can get you the information you are needing.”

He then quickly retorted, ‘You sound like an intelligent woman’. I was silent, not in protest to what he was saying, but to see if he would give me the punchline early so I could come up with an opportunity to retort, and continued “Then you can figure out a way to go fuck yourself.”

Because I’ve dealt with these idiots before (not many can get the best of me), I came back with a scathing, “Why don’t you show me?”

His answer was a ‘Uhhh…..[click]’. Yep. He hung up. Score another for the Rach-meister.

The lady that called about 10 minutes after him on the same line was kind of doing a lamo-impression of a valley girl and I played with her for a bit and asked for a direct line that I could call her back on because I had to ‘check with my president because my extraneous funds this month were really tight’. She couldn’t give me a number and proceeded to hang up as well.

I’ve used a lot of scenarios for these callers. I’ve told them in a perfect Valley Girl voice that “No, we don’t use copiers, like, um….we use carbon paper. It’s such a pretty color purple.” Or sometimes I take the “We take polaroids” approach. They get so frustrated because I’ve wasted THEIR time. As if.

Or when asked for a better time to call me back after I give them my information, “Oh my gosh, are you hitting on me? You want my number? That’s SOOOOOO in appropriate. I’m going to report you to the authorities.”

I’ve come up with some new ones too. The next time they call, I’m going to say this if it’s a girl: “Debbie….oh my gosh, Debbie? Is that youuuuu????? My long lost sister? I’m so happy to have found you after so many years! You have to tell me how to get ahold of you again. Mom’s going to be so overjoyed you’ve come back to us!”

If it’s a guy, I plan on going with the whole sex approach. “My GAWD you have a really sexy voice. I bet you work out….” That conversation could go a long way until I waste all of his time before he hangs up and gets nowhere.

I really have to write these experiences down. Classic good fun, folks.

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