Yoga is RETARDED.....

This is a repost from my Myspace blog from last year....but it's funny, so I hope you enjoy it!


Yoga is retarded. I'm not gonna pussyfoot around here about this one. Plain and simple it's the most ridiculous silly time-wasting act on the face of the planet. And I've done a lot of stupid things.....

It all started like this.....Jen (my bff and boss from work) and I have been 'gym buddies' for a while now and we wanted something different to kind of spice up our crappy workout a bit. We have toyed around with the idea of a cycling class, taking fun dance lessons (something I would actually like to do), taking a strip-tease class (this one was nixed only because it's more for our perspective halves....not sure what we get out of it except sore inner thighs and buttocks), or even belly dancing lessons. I was really not against any of these options. I had taken 2 Body Pump classes a few years ago and even though I groveled every time I had to go with my sister, I did it because I saw results. Although I must admit the first 2 weeks killed my triceps so badly I accidentally cried out when my arm twisted the wrong way to pick up my bag out of the car.

But when Jen came to me a few weeks ago and said “I think I want to try something and I want you to try it too”….well that’s like crack for girl friends. Why wouldn’t you want to do fun stuff with your BFF? It’s always more fun when you do stuff with your BFF. “I want to try a Yoga class”…..My face that was normally perky and forgiving went sour and dropped down to my chest with a look that must have scared her a bit when I answered about 3 seconds later “OOOOOO kayyyyyy. I guess I’ll try anything once”. She replied, “Well, we might take 2 times to see if we REALLY like it. It’s ten dollars a class. That’s not too bad right?” I bit my lip, because I would rather get a pizza than the idea of taking a ‘yuppy-pumping yoga’ class. But as friends do, we make sacrifices for the other.

I want to add too, that this story is somewhat lost in translation without me being able to act out the facial expressions and voices….the words just don’t do the story justice. I was in tears explaining it to people this morning and last night when I got home.

Last night was my first class and let me re-iterate how badly it went. It was at the Arvasi clinic in Kenosha (they also do botox, skin rejuvenation, makeup sessions and cellulite removal, etc.). We were novices so we paid our money and were escorted to the ‘chakra-filled room’ smelling of vanilla and something weird I couldn’t quite identify. I guess the vanilla wasn’t so bad. I paid 10 bucks to smell vanilla! Yeah. The lady had this very soothing voice and said “I need you to fill out this paperwork first before you begin.” You know what it is, the obligatory ‘if you die here today, it’s not our fault waiver’. We zipped through it and signed our lives away to this guru.
We shuck our shoes and socks and stand on our mattes. There is a lady across the room that has a voice of a ‘Cinderrelly mouse’ and is chatting away about not sure what. The guru lady says “Let’s find some energetic music” to which she put in this CD, pumped up the volume slightly. I waited for a few seconds, still waiting for this energetic music that was supposedly coming and heard this gong-inspired water dance crap that proceeded it’s best to try to put me to sleep. She starts talking telling us to close our eyes ‘and become one with ourselves. [I thought that shit only was true in the movies. She uses the most soothing voice that you only hear in a therapist’s office]. Open up your ribcage [how do I do that?] by taking a DEEP cleansing breath. Expel the energy and stress of the day and push it out of your body by EXHALING deep, etc. etc. etc.

Let me tell you….I had ALL I COULD DO TO NOT BUST A GUT LAUGHING during this sequence. I was practically crying while thankfully everyone had their eyes closed as I was about ready to sputter an incredible laugh from the bottom of my gut spitting out all the chakra crap she was spewing including some lip gloss I’m sure. After telling myself to breath and think about something NOT funny (like death) it took about 4 minutes to settle myself down so I don’t run out of the room laughing at these people. I didn’t want to embarrass my friend Jen.

I finally get into a ‘rhythm’ and do the steps awkwardly as I try and watch as my legs and arms are contorted into the ‘mountain, the sun, the moon, the reverse-swan dive, the turtle, the child prone, the 4 legged dog’, etc. (I tell you it was more like sex positions than stress relievers). All while keeping my right arm from hitting the wall painting because she didn’t place my matte far enough away from the wall. It didn’t occur to me that I could move it, I just kept doing my sun movement and bending my right arm in all while squatting, trying to exhale without passing out, and remembering to ‘find my center and expel all the weaknesses and bad energy’…..blah blah blah. All while tilting my pelvis to the sun and stretching my gluteus maximus to the opposite end of the earth….

My poor friend Jen didn’t do so well. I somehow was able to keep up with the movements (despite how much they disgusted and failed to intrigue me) well but Jen had the guru correcting her every posture and leg and angle throughout the whole session. I think she was embarrassed. That worked to my advantage.

The last 5 minutes of class was lying flat on our backs with our palms ‘stretched out to channel the sun’s rays’ (I swear this lady was on drugs) as she painted the scene of “See the forest, the suns rays streaming down, taking time for the seasons, your energy walks with you, honor your legs for they hold up your spirit as you embrace it, etc. The time of the seasons show the green leaves turning to yellows, reds and golds and oranges….time for renewal, etc.” I practically fell asleep, stress still totally intact.

When the class was over she asked what we thought when I proceeded not to look the least bit annoyed with her asking that I would have to lie to this seemingly clueless woman about my experience. I simply replied ‘Ah, it was…..different’. The lady with the Cinderelly voice said in a revelation-like tone “I saw the colors”. The guru nodded, and we all stared at her. She continued, “I usually just see darkness during the last part, but I could visualize the trees turning the colors. I’m so proud”. Enough said. These people are crazy.

The guru proceeded to tell the class about a ladies night next Tuesday night at the spa that will be serving complimentary wine, hors d’oeuvres, coupons about their spa services, makeup demos, etc……to which we replied “of course we’ll come”…..hey you go to stuff when it’s FREE!

We left the office and Jen told me “I could really feel it working, but I don’t think I want to go again”. I exhaled so deeply the guru would have been proud as I said “OH MY GOD THANK GOD YOU SAID THAT! I was afraid you’d want to go again” to which we ripped on most of the people in the class and even admitting we think we heard one lady fart next to us. Laughter erupted but of course we’re still going to the Ladies night next week, but no more yoga! [INSERT HALELUJAH MUSIC HERE].

So, my advice to you…and it won’t even cost you ten dollars….skip the yoga and grab a nice cold frosty BEER, at least you can get a buzz.